I don’t know when, where and how to start again. If I were to turn back the time, I preferably choose to serve God zealously than to study diligently in school. I don’t have somebody to lean on and somebody whom I can talk to with my problems. It’s really the hardest thing that I’ve ever experienced in my life.
It’s hard for me being compared with my co-youth in the congregation. We were baptized at the same time but they are now more trained and more spiritually active in serving God. No matter what happen, serving God is the highest profession and the most important responsibility a man can do. This June 2011, I will be a 2 year-old publisher. And I know in myself that I didn’t grow that much. I admit that I took the time for granted. The time flashed so quickly and I was blinded with so many not important things. I didn’t notice that I was wasting too much time with school works. I felt so much guilt with my actions. And my conscience makes me cry all the time.
I skipped a lot of meetings and preachings because of school works and activities. Honestly, it’s really not that easy to be a student in the laboratory high school. I face too much pressure and too much headaches in my stay in our school. Our life is much different in national high schools. Most of the national high schools have 8 subjects. This fourth year, we have 14 subjects, almost twice as much with the subjects of the national high schools. Our schedule is loaded and we don’t have any vacant time from Monday to Friday. Friday is scheduled to be our midweek. And our last subject in Friday happened to end on 5:30 or 5:45. It’s also hard to ride immediately in going home since it is Friday. Mostly, I arrive at the house almost 6:30. My lola always left me because the midweek starts at 6:00 pm. Every Friday, I always go to Sogod to ride a bus via Bato but I always fail to catch the last trip. My cousins always share feedbacks about me and that turned me down so much. I always feel ashamed every time I face to brothers and sisters. I’m afraid on what they might be saying about me.
I can’t deny that I always compare myself with my co-youth. They are now too far compared to me and the blame is all on me. After the session on Sundays, I always felt hard to talk comfortably with them. They tackle with their fun experiences together. I get jealous at times because I don’t have many moments that we’ve bonded together. Though it is with sadness that we don’t get to bond together always, I appreciate a lot how they reach to mingle with me. I am a person who is “kuhitonon pa” and my co-youth do their best to communicate with me. I will cherish them forever. They are role models to all youths.
I really wanted to talk with the elders or to the brothers and sisters all the time, but the fear takes over me. I was thinking that it may be awkward talking with them about this problem. I don’t have that close relationship to the brothers and sisters. School works and my shyness became a hindrance for me to mingle with them. I really wanted to build a bridge to them but I don’t know why I can’t make it. I always ask Jehovah to pour on me the Holy Spirit that may guide and give knowledge in my journey of serving Him.
In the end of March, I will graduate in high school and I will leave the province. Soon, I will be transferred to Paso de blas congregation. And I will serve Jehovah at my very best and follow the footsteps of Jesus. The end is near and every second is important. I should not waste the time and my strength of my youthful life.
I’ll be attending college this June. But I’m still thinking to stop a year. I want to take time serving God ardently. I want to build and grow first spiritually before attending in college. College is full crazy things and temptations. And I want to prepare myself to protect my spirituality. If Ill not be granted with my family on this decision, I will do my best to balance study and spirituality. And I must not seek first other things over serving Jehovah. Today, I ask nothing but a peaceful mind to decide aptly.
In times of my weakness, I know Jehovah is the first one that I should call on to. And I hope this confession proves that I sincerely apologize for my deeds. I may didn’t do the right balance but I know it’s never too late to start again.
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